Who Needs Support?

Vol. 9

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 Everyone needs support at one time or another. Everyone, even those who seem competent and self-reliant, who would never ask for help: the stoic, the grouchy ones, the introverts, the new parents, the elderly, those struggling with health problems, etc. All around you, people are fighting quiet battles and trying to tough it out by themselves, because it’s hard to ask for help, it’s hard to let others in to your most personal fears, embarrassment, or deep sorrow. We try to find our own insular way. It seems less complicated and safer.

Remember that we come into this world in relationship. As infants, we instinctively bond by smiling and wooing our caregivers to ensure our survival. We thrive in relationships, yet as we age and establish our values and desires, relationships become challenging. We need to find the balance between solitude and belonging, between independence and interdependence.

When someone near and dear to us dies, it is natural to turn inward for a time, to tip toward seclusion and isolation. This withdrawal confuses others who wish to respect our need for privacy. If we cannot articulate what we need, people will assume we don’t need anything and return to their daily routines. The world can quickly grow smaller, seem dimmer, and brew misunderstandings that fracture relationships.

Our culture is sorely lacking in grief skills. Upon hearing of a death, we hesitate, “Should I call? What can I possibly say?” We wonder if our conversation will make them cry. Our grief avoidance leads us to tell ourselves that they seem okay, they seem to be coping, perhaps the timing is bad, and maybe it’s best to wait and see. After all, we want to be respectful; we don’t want to be intrusive. By this point, we have convinced ourselves to walk away. The truth is, good manners require acknowledging the loss.

Years ago and long before I became a grief counselor, a friend told me that whenever she heard of a death, she would pick up the phone and call. This was good role modeling and changed my perspective. The longer you wait, the less likely you are to call, and the elephant in the room grows bigger. People appreciate kindness. You can share your hesitation by saying, “I don’t want to intrude, I want to respect your privacy, but I do want you to know that I care.” Leave it at that. Let them guide the conversation, and let it be brief. This establishes a baseline of support that they can respond to.

The bereaved can expect that people will say awkward things. Let it go. Give every awkward comment a little grace, because what people say comes from their own limited experience and their desire to help. It is too easy to misread others and retreat further. People are equally sensitive to our reticence and fragility. To preserve our relationships and assure our survival, we must make a concerted effort to remember the infants’ survival skills… to hold no judgment, to smile and engage, and when needed, take naps!

Seeking guidance from an objective source can help. At Hospice, we would follow up with families and offer support services. People would ask: “What is Grief Support? Do I really need it? Can’t I just talk to my friends? Can’t I just talk to my doctor or my minister? Can’t I just read about it in a book?”

There is a natural hesitance around seeking grief support. Nobody wants to grieve. I had one client who came only because he had promised his wife on her deathbed that he would. It was completely out of his comfort zone, but honoring his promise helped him maintain a deep connection to her. After some individual sessions, he inched forward into many of the group options over two years. He would try a time-limited group, take a break, then try another. First, he tried the 8-week grief education group, then a writing group, a grief book club, a lunch social, and lastly, but with great reservation, a music-based group co-led by me and a music therapist. To this day, I hold the fond memory of watching him chuckle, chortle, and wipe away happy tears after participating in a drumming circle. It was perfect and poignant, and I am thankful that I was able to witness his journey. 

Grief Support is prudent self-care and demonstrates self-respect. I highly recommend beginning with some individual sessions and progressing to participation in a group. Both individual and group offer unique benefits you would miss out on if you only chose one. Yes, you can talk to friends, see your doctor, minister, and read books, but there are pros and cons to those options.

Friends can have a limited capacity for sitting with your grief. That’s not anyone’s fault, and especially not yours. We have been socialized to avoid the death conversations. You can read more about this in my blog post on Reflections on Avoidance. Friends often try to comfort or connect by sharing their own grief stories, which can redirect the focus. Their anxiety or discomfort can hijack the conversation. The bereaved can easily end up feeling unseen, unheard, and burdened with unwanted advice. We all have this friend; we have all been this friend.

A counselor can provide a calm, quiet, and welcoming space in which they gently guide you. They will listen attentively to your story, predict common bumps along the path, and help you explore your needs as they evolve.

Physicians are our experts in physical health, but they lean toward a medical perspective rather than a psychological, emotional, or spiritual one, and are trained to address symptoms through testing and medication. Unfortunately, they receive very little training in grief. Doctors are often overbooked with full schedules and cannot offer much time.

Ministers, pastors, priests, and other religious leaders serve a diverse population with many needs and have limited availability. These meetings will focus on your relationship with God as it relates to the death, and on your spiritual concerns. Most of the clients I knew who met with their minister were offered one or two meetings. Some churches offer grief support groups that are scripture-based and can bring great comfort to those who share that foundation. These are often run by volunteers who have lost a loved one and feel a calling to help others by example.

Grief counseling differs from traditional therapy in that it focuses on grief education and normalization. You will examine your comfort level with allowing feelings, examine triggers and reactions, and learn tools and strategies for coping and self-care. It can help with predicting and identifying relapses around special dates, holidays, or anniversaries, and plan for grief bursts.

There is benefit in setting yourself up with a steady, ongoing, safe space to help you through the seasons of your grief. Your words are kept confidential with the rare exception of danger to self or others, as mandated by law, which is explained in your first session.

While we all can benefit from support, not everyone needs counseling. Many manage on their own, drawing upon strengths garnered from past experiences. From my observation, those who believe in an afterlife, who have a highly supportive family, some type of faith community, and a schedule that keeps them engaged with meaningful work, adjust more easily than those without.

Take comfort in the fact that research has found that 90% of us will follow a trajectory of resilience in the face of grief. These are encouraging odds. 10% will struggle for a prolonged period. Some of us simply need extra support.

Support Groups come in all shapes and sizes. There is a benefit to sitting with and listening to others who share similar challenges. It underlines the universal nature of the struggle, demonstrates that you are not alone, and that you are not losing your mind. You become a member of something larger than yourself, and sit in a space where the grief is held collectively. Having a dedicated time set aside on the calendar can also help contain your grief.

My favorite groups were those where the very shy came out of the dark like shining stars. Each member’s small victories, insights, and healing were shared and celebrated. While groups had no magic wand, there was often a shift in perspective. Group endings were always sad and happy, as any milestone can be. 

Many clients walked in the door with weariness, hesitancy, and discouragement. They were exhausted and confused. Despite their very difficult situations, most walked out the door feeling relieved, assured, and uplifted. They could see the path more clearly and create a plan for the more difficult days.  

We can all benefit from support, and we can all learn how to be more supportive. Consider being open to the resources that abound.